Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
