Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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