What did we do last night that was yellow?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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