Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My pussy is not your playground.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
