Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
