cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
