My hair reeks of homosexuality.
4 words: hood of his car
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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