dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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