I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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