Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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