So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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