I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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