Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
