I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
