We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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