State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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