I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
