Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she peed on how many people?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
3 2 1 whiskey
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
