I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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