he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I want a musical about memes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
