Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
