you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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