my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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