I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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