im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
