So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
