had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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