I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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