I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
