My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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