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I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
