i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
