i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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