that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
