Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
