Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
