please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
