You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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