just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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