What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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