There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
false alarm, still single
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