if you like me you must not know who I am
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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