The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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