Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
