If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
