Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
