So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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