just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
