He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
