I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize