I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
